Self Love

In our culture today, there's a really big emphasis on "self love" and "self esteem." We put way too much focus on it. Everyone is so focused on loving themselves that they stop trying to love other people. Because, the thinking goes, "if I don't love myself, who will?" "I have to treat myself, take care of myself, make sure things are okay for me, make sure I get what I so justly deserve, because no one else will."
I used to unconsciously think like that. Even in my own family, where we put lots of focus on loving each other and not focusing on ourselves, I still acted in my own self interest. Because I didn't trust anyone else to "get me what I need." Then God happened. I started practicing trusting him to love and help me, to get me what I need even if I don't know what that is. It worked so well that I had a lot more time and energy to focus on other people.

So I've always assumed that I've never had a problem with self love. Until recently.

Things are going really well for me. I'm doing well in class. My family is still great. I have more real friends than I've ever had before in my life. I'm a much nicer person than I ever have been. And my relationship with God keeps getting better all the time.
"So," in the words of Tony Stark, "why can't I sleep?" Why whenever I think about myself do I feel like crying? Why can't I start confessing to God, even a little, without breaking down? Why is it so hard to believe people really like me? Or might be interested in what I have to say?

The thing is, I like myself. Really, I do. I wouldn't rather be anyone else. I've always enjoyed my own company. I've always been happy moving at my own pace. Even as a baby I never seemed to feel the need to do things any differently. I didn't want to be like the big kids or the grown ups. I'm happy being me.

But then I started thinking... sometimes I say things to myself that I would never say to anyone else. And I mean it. And I don't apologize. There are lots of little things like that. Whenever anyone compliments me, I think "what do they know anyway?" or "They don't really mean that."
It's even worse with God. I hear a lot about how God loves me, and there's still a part of me that says "No." If you ever want to really frustrate me, try pitting my belief in God's absolute power and love against my sense of self. It'll work amazingly.

So, all that to say, I've started practicing telling myself that I love me. Ridiculous? It feels that way. It still catches in my throat. But it's working. So if you feel like any of this makes sense to you, maybe try practicing the same thing.
You see, God wants us to love ourselves. He wants us to love him first, obviously, that's why it's the greatest commandment. In the Bible, Jesus says "Love your neighbor as yourself," which means he expects us to love ourselves. Then there's a part in C.S. Lewis' the Screwtape Letters where Screwtape says "when they have really learned to love their neighbours as themselves, they will be allowed to love themselves as their neighbours."

For me, it's been a lot easier to say "I love you, Wil," when I include "because God loves you." I hope that helps someone.